The cement that is self-sabotage has thickened and hardened in my head. There are no thoughts, I’m just staring blankly at the computer screen. It’s that time of life again – who I once was must become obsolete.
Today, I want to talk about compliments, in particular being called “smart”. It’s a deceptively endearing phrase, enticing too just as any good drug would be. It’s especially good when all you’ve been praised to be is a “good kid”, one who kept quiet and just followed the rules. But, the crash is coming. A new reality obstructs into a familiar path; I’m not as smart as I think.
I’m currently a third year in college, feeling very lost academically. My grades have not been the greatest which therefore demotivates me further to continue to not try which then perpetuates a cycle of low self-esteem and minimal effort. I know on an intellectual level what the right thing to do is in these situations. Ask for help. Take time to study. Yet, I refuse.
This constant refusal has resulted in more headaches, more drama and less sleep. I have realized – more fully than ever – today that the identity of being intelligent no longer serves me. These are the new beliefs I am willing to uphold:
- A grade lower than an A does not correlate to a downgrade in self-esteem
I’ve spent many nights crying because of times I have failed. Every time it felt like the end. For some reason, I gave myself an unrealistic standard: I am not allowed to fail – ever. This ever-present anxiety has left me crashed and burned. I have to realize the freedom there is in accepting that I am a human being, therefore failure is a requirement.
- It’s okay to not know the answer
We’re punished in school for not knowing the answer. The punishment comes in the form of a letter grade, disdain from parents, and worst of all disappointment in yourself. I’m deciding to adopt the mindset of being a constant learner. Life is constantly in flux, an answer yesterday can be a problem tomorrow. Yes, it hurts the ego to admit defeat, but that’s just a part of the process.
- Become in love with the process, not the result
This ties into the previous point where we are trained since we are young to be obsessed with results. Yet, this often leads to disappointment because we don’t get the results we want right away. In this way, we end up not being completely present in the task at hand and taking part in the extremes of doing things without or not doing anything at all. It’s time to normalize celebrating steps forward.
- You are more than your intelligence
In these past couple of years, especially these past few months, I’m realizing there’s more to life than holding onto a fleeting sense of intelligence. There’s music I want to play. There are landscapes I want to draw. There’s so much to learn and it’s so much easier to learn it when the perception of my intelligence isn’t on the line.
I’m not advocating for giving up or not believing in myself, it’s just believing in my ability to figure it out.