A few moments ago, I cried. It’s yet another week where I feel off balance. Things don’t feel right in some areas of my life. I don’t feel the same academic fervor as I once did. That has died since the end of high school. I feel like I’m unravelling a lot more this year.
My brain is terrified by it. It’s keeping track of the external disasters. The virus. The snow storm in Texas. It’s most terrified of the inevitable internal disaster: I can’t be a STEM major. These fears are propelled by one beast: fear of losing control. My brain is always setting a new unrealistic standard about how my day should go. I shame myself for missing another day of meditation or another day of not working out. I shame myself for not trying hard in class.
I keep searching for this feeling, this confirmation from the Universe that I’m finally living the perfect life. That feeling is futile. Maybe, at some unpredictable time period, I will feel like everything is happening the way I want to in a day. Yet, as I get older, I realize that feeling gets harder and harder to achieve. I believe there are a couple of main reasons for this. Each human is ever-evolving. There will be days where I’m motivated while other days I won’t be. On a larger scale, value systems can evolve and adjust because of new knowledge received about the world.
A value shift that is forcing itself into my reality currently is that chasing this feeling of everything being perfect is dangerous. It’s a mirage; it can’t be trusted. It’s the equivalent of gambling, where one constantly hedges their bets that this time they’ll win big. In both cases, that hit is dopamine, the brain’s reward system.
Over the years, I have received the dopamine reward of there being an exact step by step ladder about what to do next. I am aging out of that – fast. This sense of certainty doesn’t exist in the natural world. We humans have created systems to create this sense of certainty. The virus, government turmoil and the like are all revealing the unsteady, faulty structures that we have built. There are no guarantees in life.
So today, and trying my best from now on, I will give myself permission to start my homework at 4:17 pm after eating week old pasta instead of at 9:00 am after finishing my 30 minute each, on the dot, session of journaling and meditation. I’m giving myself permission to write a paper at 57% energy when assigned rather than wait for 100% energy when I’m in a time crunch.
I’m deciding to let go of this non-existent perfect Jade where everything in her life goes exactly the way she planned. The same girl who can continue to suffer through a STEM major. The same girl who doesn’t allow herself to have fun, working herself 24/7 and feeling jolly about it.
I’m a human being and it’s time I start truly believing it and embracing it. I give you permission too.