This morning, I struggled to get up. I woke up a little before 8 am and just went through my phone aimlessly. The thrill of moving forward with my life has worn off.
It’s not that I don’t have goals. There’s a vision board across the room from where I am sitting now. It’s not that I hate my life. Do I wish some things were better? Sure, but life’s okay right now.
It seems that no matter what I end up slipping into giving up ownership of my life to being on autopilot. It feels good for a little while. I watch Netflix shows, even those I’m not interested in, watch Tik Tok videos because, you know, why not? Then, the weariness sets in. I sleep in later. I’m too lazy to put on real clothes. I pretend the goals I’m trying to work towards don’t exist and also pretend I don’t care I’m not making progress towards them. Why does taking care of myself feel like a chore?
I realized that there are certain parts of adulthood that frighten me. The most frightening: finances. I feel queasy about knowing whether or not I have enough money to spend on the things I need and want. I hear of conflicting views on how much one should save. Is it 30% or 50% of income that goes towards savings? I always feel like I’ll miss something when it comes to paying a bill. Is there a hidden bill? Is there some forgotten complex formula I forgot to complete before submitting that form?
Or just the thought of knowing I have to be in charge of all aspects of my life is paralyzing. I beat myself up for feeling this way. Who in the world would hate to be independent? Me, that’s who. I’ve created a narrative that I’m unable to handle real life on my own. My brain tells me that there were other times where I have done things on my own and they haven’t worked out. Except, when you really sit with how you feel and think it through, there are times when I have.
Going to a college about seven hours away from home was a huge step for me. Deciding to be an RA when others were living with their friends. Continuing enrollment in college even when I thought many times of dropping out. Those are decisions I made that helped me grow.
But, this is a little different. It’s now the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects that are in motion simultaneously. I will be living on my own, I have to find a job, I have to take care of emotional and physical being – I have to do it all. I do have a support system, my family, and friends, but I can’t and don’t want to be codependent on them. I have to take the initiative every time. How do I start being comfortable with my own freedom?
First, I have to know I am already equipped with what I need. I may not know the answer to something but I know may know someone who knows. I can ask them and learn, then I can do it myself next time. I also live in the time of the Internet, so knowledge is at my fingertips. I have inner wisdom I can listen to for insight on what to do next. I can create a plan and break things down to make them more manageable. It’s all about the process.
Freedom, at least for me, will feel painful at first, but if I am patient with myself and continue to work at it, one day I’ll enjoy it fully.
So I ask: What is your relationship with freedom and is that relationship holding you back or moving you forward?