I’ve struggled with depression for many years as a kid and still face it as a young adult. Part of it was due to coming from a divorced family. The other part was joining a church that I didn’t choose to be a part of. I didn’t officially get a diagnosis until a few years ago. Last summer, depression hit its hardest and I was prescribed some pills to combat it. Pills just made it worse.
However, this week I got a little insight: a big part of my depression is believing I have a lack of a ‘real’ purpose.
My definition of purpose has always been defined by others. I always have to make my parents proud. I always have to do well in school. When I wouldn’t fulfill these purposes perfectly I would beat myself up. Once, I became an adult, I was reminded that I’m in charge of my life now.
When I realized I was in charge, I felt…devastated.
I’m someone who likes to know the steps told by someone else. To be in charge of myself just seemed like a prison, a gilded paradise. The first couple of months of the summer I’ve been racking my brain on defining for myself what my singular ultimate purpose was. I failed. I’ve started learning that there are more practical ways to think and act on purpose:
- Everything you need is right here.
I know I am at my lowest when I start becoming disinterested in things I love. But, it’s really not that I’m not interested anymore, it’s that I feel I need a good reason to do the things I enjoy. Sometimes, there isn’t any reason except to get out of a funk. Know that what you have is enough to start producing a healthy solution. It might not be the best solution, but that’s not the point. The idea is to get from a lower energy state into a higher one, even if it’s just a few points.
2. Question your story.
Take note of your really high highs and really low lows. Describe your perspective on why a particular situation raised or lowered your mood. Read that description. Question your beliefs and identify your values. Create a new belief. Repeat it a few times. Don’t worry about keeping track. I would encourage to throw the note away. Your brain already has an established pattern of negativity so when something negative comes up again just go through a similar process to produce a pattern of positivity. Doing this makes it more realistic as you are taken control in your current situation. Besides, your brain might come up with a more clever negative comment and so you’ll need to produce a more clever story.
3. Exercise then journal
Run for 15 minutes. Play pick-up basketball. Do high knees for 5 minutes. Do something aerobic. Then write. Write whatever comes to mind. I’m sure there will be positivity to be found. Write what you are grateful for. Write down a project idea, say, creating a garden in the front yard. First, start writing down a list of items you’ll need to make it happen. Naturally, you might start making measurements in the front yard. Just be active and then write to capture the moment of calm.
I just wanted to write down a few ideas because you really just need to start one good habit to start seeing results. (Also, I hope it dissuades you from being consumed with indecisiveness).
I believe fighting against depression will be a lifelong process for me. But, at least it’s a battle that can be fought.